My Walden Pond Experience

I try to live my life without looking back. I believe that if I’m constantly looking back then I will never be able to see clearly what wonderful things might lay ahead.

As I write this post though, I feel compelled to share an experience that truly changed my life. About eight years ago I went through a pretty rough spell. I really thought life was going to end right then and there.   At forty-five years old I had two failed marriages, a bankruptcy, a twenty-year old car and very little money to my name.  I lived in a constant pity party and I couldn’t see the silver-lined clouds for the trees.

I packed up all my belongings and moved to a tiny gatehouse at the edge of town. My new home was located at the entrance of a historic tree-lined property and it was beautiful.  This is where my recovery began.  I remember waking up one day, all wrapped up in my blanket, my dog sleeping at my feet and it was quiet.  A breeze was blowing through the window and I could smell the mixture of fresh cut grass and honeysuckle. When I moved there I was broken and sad, but that morning when I awoke I was happy and didn’t seem to have a care in the world.  I decided to call the cottage, “My Cocoon.”

I had started a recovery process and didn’t even know it. On many days after work, with my dog in tow, I would strike out over the beautiful rolling hills.  My pup was always hoping to chase a rabbit or two and I was hoping to clear my head.  My evenings were spent on the porch watching the stars in the sky and hoping to find planets like Venus, Jupiter or Mars.

I had created a ritual for my Sundays.   I would always start my day with a long walk.  The views from the route that I would travel were magnificent, offering a glimpse of the Blue Ridge Mountains and horses running in big open fields.  I would always end my Sunday with a trip to the local bookstore to dig through the bargains — always certain that I would find something to entertain myself for the coming week.  My next stop would be the local Thai restaurant where I would order my usual and start flipping through the pages of my new book.

One of those bargain books proved to change my life.

I bought the book simply because of the name. “Wherever You Go There You Are”, by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  This remarkable book is a clear and practical guide to meditation.  I knew how beneficial the art of meditation is to our overall well-being, but the ability to stop and be mindful and awake to the unique beauty of each present moment did not come easy for me.  It still does not come easy, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t try to practice it as often as I can.

When I was living in that tiny gatehouse I was surrounded by such natural beauty and calmness that the act of staying with my breath and waking to my surroundings should have come easily, but it did not. Every time I would try to meditate, my mind would become cluttered with all the issues of the outside world and my many disappointments.

Jon Kabat-Zinn refers often to Henry David Thoreau’s two year stay at Walden Pond. One day while reading this book I came across a quote from Thoreau that helped me to finally see the silver-lined clouds above the trees:

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived?”

That quote was truly a light bulb, pivotal moment in my life – the game changer.

That tiny little gatehouse leading to the beautiful property beyond was my Walden Pond.  While I did not go there with such intentions, I most certainly emerged from there a much better, authentic person.

I was so hung up on what people thought of me and the materialistic things that I didn’t have in my life, that I lost touch with the essential facts of what living was all about.

It is delusional for me to think that I can avoid the realities of life by withdrawing into stillness. I do believe though, that by shutting down the noise and distractions of the outside world, if only for a moment, it will help me to live a more authentic life — the life that I was meant to live.  If we do not allow ourselves to become unstuck, then how will we ever fully enjoy all the things that life has to offer?

Finally, I’m unstuck.

So as I start down this path into my next fifty years, I will read again for the second time, this beautiful book. I hope that everything I have learned through my joys, my tragedies and the kindness of others will be reflected in my actions and my smile.

We are only on this earth for a short while and I plan to embrace it living an authentic life and with my eyes wide open.

“Perhaps the most “spiritual” thing any of us can do is simply to look through our own eyes, see with eyes of wholeness, and act with integrity and kindness.” ― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life

 

 

Sparking A Good Conversation

I was very excited when one of my children read my last post “List Obsessive”. Imagine my excitement when he said, “Wow I like it, I like it a lot, but I don’t think I agree with it”.   I love when an issue sparks good conversation and debate with my adult children.

My son is very committed to his job in The United States Coast Guard – he is very driven and is always striving to reach the next goal he has set for himself.

For my son’s birthday my daughter-in-law gave him the book “An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth – What Going to Space Taught Me about Ingenuity, Determination, and Being Prepared for Anything”. This book was written by Colonel Chris Hadfield, one of the most accomplished astronauts in the world.  My son devoured every word of this book, folded over many pages, highlighted sentences and wrote notes in the margins.  When he finished reading the book for the first time, he immediately turned to the front and started reading it again.

So when I challenged my son with the question “Why don’t you agree with my post?” he immediately referred to Chris Hadfield’s book. He stated that through reading “An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth” he learned anything is obtainable if you train, prepare and push yourself.  My son also learned that in order to reach your goals you have to make a list that will help you focus on the end result you would like achieve.  Okay, I see his point, but isn’t he mixing up goal setting with making a bucket list?  In my mind they are definitely two different things.

I decided to do a search on “goal setting” and there are many, many definitions. The one definition that I thought formulated the meaning best for me is from www.mindtools.com .

Goal setting is a process that starts with careful consideration of what you want to achieve, and ends with a lot of hard work to actually do it. In between there are some very well defined steps that transcend the specifics of each goal. Knowing these steps will allow you to formulate goals that you can accomplish.

As I stated in my last post, the origin of the term bucket list came from the idiom “kicking the bucket”.  The definition of the term is a list of activities and achievements that a person hopes to accomplish in his or her lifetime.  Well maybe the definitions really aren’t that different with the exception of the kicking the bucket part.   So maybe that is the hang up for me — the whole kicking the bucket thing.

I keep hearing those famous words in my head from the movie Shawshank Redemption,

“Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying”.

Well I’m definitely ready to get busy living — just at a slower, calmer pace.

I profess I will not be giving up my list all together — I’m just not going to make a bucket list. Even my husband said to me; let’s face it, you live for list.  I think in order to stay focused and on track we need list and we need to set goals for ourselves.   I do believe that the items and goals on my list have changed as I’ve aged though.  My list is very different at fifty-three than my son’s is at twenty-eight.   I’m no longer driven by the title after my name or a six-digit salary.  I’m now focused on learning how to bring a little happiness to someone’s day or learning something new about the community I live in and having a sense of place.  I’ve exhaled a little and slowed down my pace and my son is still in the running fast, breathing deep and dreaming big mode.  I believe this is the exact mode that my son should be in to obtain the goals that he has set for himself at such a young age.

I’m very proud of my son and I hope that he will always push himself to be the best that he can be. I truly believe that if you set your goals high and make your dreams big that they are definitely possible to obtain.  As for me, I’m going to continue to explore my community and see what it has to offer. I will make a list of places to visit or volunteer opportunities in my community and classes to take at our local college.  I think all of these will be great stepping stones into my next fifty years.  I’m also looking forward to learning new things from my children, because if we keep our minds wide open, you never know where you will learn something new and who you might learn it from.

Jumping Off The Cliff Without A Rope

Yesterday I started a new chapter of my life.  For thirty-two years I have worked for a wonderful non-profit known as The Piedmont Environmental Council (PEC) located in quaint Warrenton, Virginia.   Yesterday was my last day working for PEC and an end of an era for me.

My boss of twenty years walked me to the car with a box of my belongings in hand and placed it in the front seat.  He turned to me and gave me a hug and said, “remember, if things don’t work out, you can always come back”.  I felt like an eighteen year old heading off to college.

“What the heck did you just do?” was the question I must have asked myself at least 100 times driving home. Most people leave their job because they are miserable, can’t stand their co-workers or feel disrespected in the workplace.  That wasn’t the case for me.  I just had a nagging desire to do something different, to grow.

When I began my journey with PEC, I was twenty-one years old, had a six month old son and needed a job. I’ve often said that through all of my trials and tribulations (and believe me, there have been plenty), PEC has been the one constant in my life. Like the seasons though, we are constantly changing and my life is different now.

At fifty-three, I can finally exhale.   Finally I have a partner that compliments me, not like “hey babe you look great”, but you know, really compliments my being. I have four wonderful sons – Clayton with his piercing blue eyes and kind heart; Adam with his handsome smile and thirst for knowledge; Zach with his funny wit and Ethan with that great laugh that comes from deep down in his soul.  All five of these blessings support me throughout this adventure and encourage me to learn something new everyday.

Through my many adventures that I have put my family through, I have discovered the following things about myself.  I gravitate toward no high fructose corn syrup, no hydrogenated oils; more vegetables and no red meat; Taoism and Buddhism, fair-trade jewelry; country music, classical music, Indian music and a little seaweed salad on the side — all the things that make me uniquely me… the me that makes me happy.

I used to be so consumed with what people thought of me, that I never really took the time to think about my likes are dislikes; the things that made me happy or the things that made me sad. I have learned so much in the last thirty years and I didn’t even know that I was paying attention.

It does feel like I’ve just jumped off a cliff without a rope, but I know that I can learn to fly while exploring a host of wonderful new things. The first new thing on my list is obviously writing this blog.   So here I go.

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.

Tony Robbins